「 love was in the air, 2:36 AM 」

Can't sleep. Thinking about too many things. Thinking about him . Thinking about how things became what they are today. Thinking about how long it has been since i last messaged him and thinking about the last time i felt confident and good about myself. It has just been a week but i feel like it has already been a decade.
Just heard a line on "Keeping the Faith" that got me thinking. "Which is worse? To be heartbroken or to doubt yourself?" Well, i dunno. I personally think it's worse to doubt yourself because that shows that you are losing your faith in yourself and starting to think that you are a really lousy person. It seems like you will never be able to recover but then, i think the two are equally painful... so if worse refers to the pain you go thru, i will tell u i seriously dunno which is worse...
Oh well, i also think that the two can be very closely linked. Like in my case, i'm experiencing both at the same time. I just decided to give up on him a week ago and it really breaks my heart to know that it doesn't seem to bother him very much. It totally breaks my heart to know that i have absolutely no place in his heart. It is indeed very painful. So painful that i avoid thinking about it. It is also painful to see all your close friends get attached one by one and you still left single and unwanted. It makes u doubt yourself, BIG TIME. And that is just as painful as being "dumped". So what do i feel now? Self doubt or heartache? Errr... i dunno.
Sighz... i wonder if he knows my feelings... If he sees the kinda pain i'm going through, what will he do? How will he react? Will he read my blog? I'm silently hoping that he will get a shock then start treating me better but in this tiny corner of my heart, i also know that he will not react that way. I know that he will brush it off and tell me that i'm acting irrationally. That's why i cannot bring myself to message him. Don't even dare to send him a simple good night message. I'm simply too frightened that i will get a reply i don't wanna see. I simply don't wanna get hurt again and get pulled deeper into the abyss....
*sigh*
Feels so much better after getting it off my mind. Don't regret climbing out of my bed to type this entry. At least i know that after i finish this entry, i won't have to cry myself to sleep... My eyes already don't look very pretty... don't want it to be swollen as well. Good night guys. =)

YYY
「 love was in the air, 5:03 PM 」

WHAT a difference 15 minutes made. Uncle asked me for sharon's blog address and so just to make sure there wasn't anything, i went to read her blog first and err.. i got the shock of my life... SHARON WANG... u shld have said something mah...it's something to be happy about u noe? Uncle is a good guy... and i kept telling u that u shld tell him right? Hhahha... =P Anyway, i'm just happy for both of them. They're really quite compatible... *grinnz* 你们俩要白头到老喔~ Hahhahz.. n don't worry. The two of u are the only two SMU friends who read my blog... =P
*lost for words*

YYY
「 love was in the air, 5:23 PM 」

You know what they say about missing someone more when there's a festival or something like that? Oh well, that's pretty true... i actually miss him more these few days. I just can't help thinking about how nice it would be to meet up with him during these hols...But... he's already made things so obvious... i dunno how dumb i actually am but i only realised this like a few days ago.. he's simply not into me at all... he simply doesn't like me at all. Hard to accept but it's very true... He's already said he wasn't ready for anything. He's already said he has no special feelings for me. How much more obvious can he get? I should have killed my heart myself a long long time ago. It's so silly to allow myself to fall into this bottomless pit... more than once...
You know what's the worst thing that can happen to u when u are still trying to get over a heart break? You visit your relatives and they start asking u why you are still not attached. They start asking if u have a boyfriend who's hiding somewhere...Sighz... Aunties n Uncles, i'm still not attached k? Yes, yes, i AM fussy. Yes, yes, i've scared a couple of guys away. Yes, yes, most of my peers are attached...Sighz...Why do they have to poke me in the area that hurts the most? Why don't they ask about my school? Why don't they ask about things that won't hurt me at all? Sighz... relatives. To make matters worse, you've gotta have cousins bringing their boyfriends and girlfriends to family gatherings and relatives telling u how u should learn from your cousin and not hide your boyfriend, when you're not... u just don't have a boyfriend.
You know what i'm thinking about now? I think that i'm a freak... I think that i'm inferior compared to my friends. I think that i will never be able to handle both a love relationship and work simultaneously... I think that i will never get to enjoy a wonderful simple relationship... I think that if i do ever get a boyfriend, he won't be my dream guy. Instead, he will be a guy i grabbed out of desperation... I DO sound desperate nowadays don't i? Sighz.. Since when was it so important to get attached? Sighz... why am i no longer as self assured as i used to be? Why do i slowly see the old Yeesh fade away? What happened to the Yeesh who thought that relationships were troublesome and time-consuming and stupid? Sighz...
*toddles off in search of the stronger and more confident Yeesh*

YYY
「 love was in the air, 2:03 AM 」

Numb -- Linking Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes...
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow...
Every step that I take is another mistake to you...
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow...

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
Cuz everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you...
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow...
Every step that I take is another mistake to you...
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow...
And every second I braced is more than I can take!

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end the feeling too
But I know you were just like me when someone disappointed in you...
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me...
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me...

is HE also tired of living up to what i want him to be? Am i too demanding? I know i am demanding but what right do i have to be so harsh to him? Sighz... oh well, even if i feel guilt, the apology will have to come later... I can't talk to him now without falling into this deep abyss anymore... He'll just have to wait till i'm out of it...

YYY
「 love was in the air, 12:03 AM 」

I'm starting to doubt myself. Am i really as attractive to people as i think i am? Met 2 friends today while shopping with my brother. Both of them with a guy fren, maybe their boyfrens, buying clothes. And what about me? I've never been attached...The closest i got to being attached was with HIM and look at how things are going now. I'm starting to think that i'm the only unattached and never been attached person in my sec 4 class... I seriously wonder what's wrong...
Not attractive? Not brainy enough? Not feminine enough? Not enough personality? Too demanding? Too desperate? Not secure enough? Sighz... i really wonder what the problem is... And why this self doubt? People who know me well know that i'm usually a very self assured and confident person but right now, i'm really not so sure anymore... I'm starting to lose it. My confidence? The belief that i will excel in all areas including love? Well, it's gone. Sighz~
I'm now just hoping that this is just a passing phase and that i will eventually get over it... The thing that attracts guys to me is my confidence and my personality i think... if i lose that, i don;t think i will ever ever get attached... ARGGGGHHHH... that sentence i just said made me sound desperate!!! What the f*** is wrong with me? Oh gosh, think i need time to cool and think...

YYY
「 love was in the air, 11:59 PM 」

Recommended by Sharon. Ok, start laughing at my results. =)

The Priss
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf)
Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.
Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.
These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.
You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.
Your exact opposite: The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex Master
ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy
CONSIDER: The Manchild

YYY

Finally disciplined myself to do work today. Didn't realli accomplished a lot but oh well, at least i started yea? Hahaz~ went jogging today. Ran for only about 1km or so before i got tired. Looks like i better start training again. 1km is supposed to be chicken feed! But oh well, i supposed that's better than never starting to jog yea? So Yeesh, keep up the good work! Hahaz~ i'm starting to praise myself before i actually accomplished anything yet.. tsk tsk =P

YYY
「 love was in the air, 10:56 PM 」

HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN -- Benny Meroff
So long sad times
Pull along bad times
We are rid of you at last
Howdy gay times
Cloudy gray times
You are now a thing of the past
Happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
So let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again
Altogether shout it now
There's no one
Who can doubt it now
So let's tell the world about it now
Happy days are here again
Your cares and troubles are gone
There'll be no one from now on
From now on...
Happy days are here again
The skies above are here again
So, Let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy times
Happy nights
Happy days
Are here again!

Yeap, happy days are here again. Days which i sleep at 3/4am doing work and waking up next morning feeling tired but good because i've accomplished something. I've packed the whole of my weekend and next week with work... Time to start working!!! =) And nope, i'm not a workaholic. I just like feeling useful k?? =P

YYY